Fear and Trembling

NebuchadnezzarWhen I moved out to L.A., it was so that I could re-integrate myself back into society, earn a living, be a responsible adult, raise a family, all that happily-ever-after business.  I thought I could leave everything that I experienced – that I still experience – behind me.

But once you open certain doors, you can’t close them.  Ever.

Here goes…

As I write this, I feel what I can only be described as a concentrated bulk of Energy swirling around my head, pushing, grasping, trying to enter.  I try to hold it at bay so that I can concentrate on simple tasks: writing, cooking, driving, reading.

Sometimes I get too tired to fight it.  So I let it in. When I let it in, the Energy floods my body, tickling my nerves.  Pure bliss. I hear music and song in a language I don’t know.  My mouth flies open, and these words come out:

Adonai Eloheynu, Adonai Achad.  Adonai Eloheynu, Adonai Achad.

An inner voice rises from out of my heart, telling me that all will be well.  That God loves me.  God is with me.  God will give me everything I need.  All I need to do is be at peace.

This is the same Energy that gave me strength during my failed Peace Pilgrim walk, forcing me to get up and keep walking so that I wouldn’t freeze.

It wasn’t always like this.  It began when I started practicing meditation and yoga about 7 years ago.  These symptoms seem to be in line with what one would experience during a kundalini awakening.   The details of all this are forthcoming.  I just want to get you up to speed to where I’m at now.  This Energy is the reason I left New York and went traveling.  It’s the reason I spent as much time as I did searching for answers.

I’m out of places to go and books to study.  After everything I’ve been through, I still feel this pervading sense of emptiness.  And I still feel this Energy surrounding me, encouraging me, lifting me up, giving me words of comfort.

There is so much more to tell. I’m trying to find the time to write it all.  I wish I’d kept better records over the years.  Oh well.  The way things are looking now, I’m going to have plenty more to write about anyways.

I want to believe.  I want to surrender.  The only antidote to this fear is in my heart, where my burning love for God threatens to consume me.  

Adonai Eloheynu, Adonai Achad.  

The Lord our God, The Lord is One.

“Temporality, finitude-this is what it is all about. I can resign everything by my own strength and find peace and rest in the pain; I can put up with everything-even if that dreadful demon, more horrifying than the skeletal one who terrifies me, even if madness held its fools costume before my eyes and I understood from its face that it was I who should put it on-I can still save my soul as long as my concern that my love of God conquer within me is greater than my concern that I achieve earthly happiness.” – Søren Kierkegaard, Fear and Trembling

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